Metal Gear Gas 2 Sons of their Mother
by Alfa Ishida
Summary: The second part of the story. Now let´s be mean with Raiden!
1. Default Chapter

Metal Gear Gas 2: Sons of their mother.  
  
I don´t own any of the Metal Gear characters, Konami does, but Im sure you already knew that...  
  
(Black screen)  
  
Snake: The Hudson River, two weeks ago.. We had been stupidly informed by an anonimous font that  
  
a new type of Metal Gear was scheduled for transport, and we were stupid enough to believe  
  
the information even knowing there´s a price on our heads...  
  
The whole thing stank, ´cause our noses have been out in the garbage too long...  
  
(The screen shows George Washington bridge, a cloacked figure walks across the bridge, then it  
  
starts running, activates Stealth camouflage and drops out of the bridge using a rappel rope.  
  
Suddenly the rope breaks and the figure falls into a ship landing on its face)  
  
The camo gets damaged and the figure is revealed, it´s Elvis! Eh.. I mean, it´s Solid Snake!  
  
Snake: Oww... Darn! (Calls on Codec) Do you read me Otacon?  
  
Otacon: Kinda, wazzzaapp?  
  
Snake: Kept you waiting uh? Im at the "Snake point"  
  
Otacon: Eh?  
  
Snake: Eh.. "sneak point"  
  
Otacon: Oh, kickass! Snake, do you know how the specifications of Metal Gear were sold  
  
in the super markets after Shadow Moses?  
  
Snake: All Ocelot´s doing.  
  
Otacon: Yes, and now every state, group and dotcom has it own version of Metal Gear!  
  
Snake: And we are part of an Anti-Metal Gear organization, right?  
  
Otacon: Not quite, what Philantropy really wants is to recover all of the Metal Gears so they can  
  
rule over the world.  
  
Snake: And we are helping them.  
  
Otacon: That´s right.  
  
Snake: .......  
  
Otacon: ......  
  
Snake: ........?  
  
Otacon: Anyway Snake, I want you to investigate where that Tanker is headed.  
  
Snake: Why?  
  
Otacon: Dunno, but I have the feeling you will have your first boss battle up there.  
  
Snake: Cool, Im ready to go.  
  
Just then, an army of misterious soldiers gets into the ship and kills all the stupid and defenseless  
  
Marines, but nobody noticed ´cause they are complete idiots.  
  
Snake gets behind one of the soldiers and points his weapon at his head.  
  
Snake: Freeze!  
  
Soldier: (Moans like a little girl)  
  
Snake: Hehe, toss some bullets, @$$hole.  
  
Soldier: Don´t have any!  
  
Snake: WHAT!? Do you know who the hell am I?!  
  
Soldier: Eh... Osama Bin Laden?  
  
Snake: HEY! YOU ARE THE TERRORIST HERE! NOT ME!  
  
Soldier: Terrorist? What are you talking about? We are here to destroy Metal Gear and prevent the  
  
end of the world as we know it!  
  
Snake: Eh... So Im the bad guy here...  
  
Soldier: Seems like it.  
  
Snake: Anyway, let me get this straight, you are the good guys who want to save the world from  
  
Metal Gear, right?  
  
Soldier: You got it.  
  
Snake: Then why kill defenseless Marines?  
  
Soldier: ´Cause they are a bunch of idiots, they lack Artificial Inteligence!  
  
Snake: .....?  
  
Soldier: Look, we asesinated them because they were a waste of polygons in this game!  
  
Snake: Nice point man.   
  
Snake shoots the guard with his M9 and keeps going to the Tanker´s bridge. After a few minutes he  
  
gets there and informs Otacon about the ships direction.  
  
Snake: (On the Codec) Otacon, the ship´s going to Acapulco, Mexico.  
  
Otacon: Now that´s something. I don´t have any comments about that.  
  
Snake: Thought so.  
  
Snake then sees a female soldier outside the deck and goes there to investigate.  
  
Woman: (Talking on her radio) The explosives are in place, just behind Metal Gear.  
  
??: (Voice in the radio) Cool, anyway, I want you to leave the ship.  
  
Woman: No! That is were I belong! to Acapulco!  
  
??: You swore this to me! That you would leave the unit once the mission was a failure!  
  
Woman: I have nowhere else to go!  
  
??: Go home and buy some eggs and bacon for your mom, or she will kill us both!  
  
Woman: Maldicion! Me lleva la.... (Turns off the radio)  
  
Snake gets out of behind a box and points his weapon at the woman.  
  
Snake: Freeze!  
  
Woman (Olga): (Raises hands)  
  
Snake: Hey! I haven´t told you to raise your hands!  
  
Olga: (Puts down her arms)  
  
Snake: Good, now, hands over your head!  
  
Olga: We are nomads, wanderers.  
  
Snake: Oh really, Im Elvis then!  
  
Olga: E.. ELVIS!? THE KING?!  
  
Snake: Oh no, here we go again..  
  
Olga: Rock stars... so you shoot women too?  
  
Snake: Im a nomad too. Now, toss your gun overboard, slowly...  
  
(Olga tosses her gun to the water)  
  
Snake: Now, turn around and get naked!  
  
Olga: WHAT THE HELL!?  
  
Snake: Hehe.. just kidding..  
  
Snake stares off into space doing nothing while Olga runs behind a box and takes out another gun.  
  
Olga: Elvis! Your life ends here! ...For the second time...  
  
Snake: I was kidding about being Elvis, you idiot! Im Solid Snake! The legendary hero of Shadow  
  
Moses!  
  
Olga: ......?  
  
Snake: The man who infiltrated Outer Heaven and destroyed the first and second Metal Gears..?  
  
Olga: ........?  
  
Snake: The guy who appears in the cereal boxes..?  
  
Olga: Oh! That´s right! I recognize you now! You are the guy of the Lucky Charms!  
  
Snake: Wha...!? I meant the "Solid Snake" cereal!  
  
Olga: Oh c´mon, nobody buys that crap.  
  
Snake gets pissed off and shoots his M9 at Olga´s neck, the girl falls asleep.  
  
Snake calls Otacon again.  
  
Snake: Otacon, the ship appears to be under their control.  
  
Otacon: Did you find anything about their origins?  
  
Snake: The soldiers are heavily armed, and they have Mexican accent.  
  
Otacon: Mexican troops? That´s new.  
  
Snake: I guess the russians are tired of being villians in all the games, so they put Mexican  
  
troops instead.  
  
Otacon: Oh.  
  
Snake goes to the Tanker holds, where Metal Gear is supposed to be.  
  
After passing around a group of Marines, Snake realizes what the soldier said about the IQ of the  
  
Marines, and blasts them using a USP he got from Olga. The Marines didn´t hear the noise of the  
  
shoots because they are a bunch of dumbasses.  
  
Snake gets to Hold 3, where the Marine commandant was giving a speech to a group of Marines.  
  
The important and dynamic speech caused a singular effect on the Marines (they were all asleep)  
  
Snake takes photos of Metal Gear´s front, front left, front right and a "GAY" lettering in  
  
Metal Gear´s leg.  
  
Scott Dolph (Marine commandant): Metal Gear GAY was called that way after the great "Michael Jackson!"  
  
We the Marines will lead the world to a new order with Metal Gear GAY!  
  
Marines: Zzzzzz....  
  
Snake reaches a PC and sends the photos to Otacon.  
  
Just then, Revolver Ocelot comes from behind Metal Gear´s leg.  
  
Ocelot: Excelent speech, my friend. Gift of the silver tongue, they say it´s a mark of a good  
  
officer.. and of a dumbass...  
  
Scott: Identify yourself!  
  
Ocelot: Im Shalabastard! Also cal...  
  
The Marines wake up at the sound of "Shalabastard" and begin laughing.  
  
Ocelot: Ahem! Also called Re..  
  
Marines: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Ocelot: HEY! SHUT UP! IM ALSO CALLED REVOLVER O...  
  
Marines: SHALABASTARD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Ocelot: DARN YOU IDIOTS! MY REAL NAME IS PATRIC LAINE!! KNOWN BY THE CODENAME REVOLVER OCELOT!!  
  
Marines: ..........  
  
Ocelot: Im Revolver Ocelot!  
  
Marines: ......?  
  
Ocelot: .....  
  
Marines: Revolver who?  
  
Ocelot: Oh, fine, Shalabastard..  
  
Marines: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!  
  
Ocelot: Anyway, I came to take Metal Gear GAY back.  
  
Scott: What are you planning to do, steal this thing?  
  
Ocelot: No, I came to take it back.  
  
Scott: What are you planning to do, steal this thing?  
  
Ocelot: ......?  
  
Scott: What are you planning to do, steal this thing?  
  
Ocelot: What the hell´s happening to you?!  
  
Scott: Im repeating myself, ´cause of the old age!  
  
Ocelot: ......  
  
Then someone takes the commandant hostage, it´s Sergei Gurlukovich, leader of the Mexican troops.  
  
Otacon: Snake, we´ve ID that old man, his name is Sergei Gurlukovich.  
  
Snake: Gurlukovich? That´s a russian name!  
  
Otacon: Konami decided to keep the names intact.  
  
Snake: Good.  
  
Sergei: We are stealing GAY so Mexico can rise again!  
  
Ocelot: I regret to inform you, that I have no intention of giving Metal Gear to an idiot like  
  
you, colonel.  
  
Sergei: Ocelot! Have you sold us out!? Are you still in league with Solidus!?  
  
Ocelot: No hard feelings colonel, "Father Mexico" can rot for all I care.  
  
Sergei: DAMN YOU!  
  
Ocelot takes out a Nerf gun and kills Dolph and Sergei even before he can use his gun.  
  
Ocelot: Show´s over!  
  
(The Marines give an applause)  
  
Ocelot detonates the C4 that was planted in the ship.  
  
Snake: Ocelot!!  
  
Ocelot screams in pain because of his arm, after a few seconds he is back to normal... Well.. kinda  
  
normal..  
  
Ocelot: It´s been a while, brother! *Fart*.  
  
Snake: Who are you?  
  
Ocelot: You know how I fart! *Fart*  
  
Snake: ....Gas...?  
  
Gas Snake: Not so young anymore, eh Snake? *Fart*  
  
Gas: Few more years and you´ll be another dead clone of the old man! *FAAARRRTTTT!!!*  
  
Snake shoots at Ocelot´s arm, but nothing happens.  
  
Snake: WHAT THE!?  
  
Gas: But I, I live on trough this ass! (Holds his ass with his hands)  
  
Snake: Gas´ ass!?  
  
An explosion below Snake sends him to fly, then Gas gets into Metal Gear GAY and sinks the Tanker.  
  
Inside GAY, Ocelot talks with someone by radio.  
  
Ocelot: (Back to normal, yeah, this time is really normal) Yes, at the location we discused.  
  
Ocelot: Yes, I have photografic evidence of Roy Campbell in the nudist camp, the Cypher was most  
  
useless.  
  
Ocelot: No, Im not hungry sir.  
  
Ocelot: No, my birthday´s not tomorrow...  
  
Ocelot: NO! IM NOT BILL COSBY!!  
  
Ocelot: What´s your point, sir?  
  
Ocelot: Yes, I´ve washed your underwear well, sir.  
  
Ocelot: Not at all sir! NO! WHAT A THING TO SAY!! NO! ARE YOU ON CRACK, SIR!?  
  
Ocelot: Oh crap, yeah, Im sorry about your fish´s death... (rolls eyes)  
  
Ocelot: Yes, I´ll buy another one in the way home...  
  
Ocelot: This conversation is getting annoying and longer than expected, sir...  
  
Ocelot: .......   
  
Ocelot: Yes, I´ll be sure to buy some eggs and bacon for tomorrow´s breakfast..  
  
Ocelot: Yes, of course, Mr. Solidus.. Eh, I mean, Mr. Third Snake Brother.. Eh.. Mr. George Sears..  
  
........... Oh YEAH RIGHT! Mr...... President....  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Save?  
  
WhateverNoDunnoDon´t care[End this chapter already!]  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(Well, that was it, I hope you´ve enjoyed it cause I really did!  
  
Any comments, suggestions or ideas to alfa@danworld.com, please R&R!!!) 


	2. Part 2

Metal Gear Gas 2: Sons of their mother. (Part 2)  
  
Two years later, a big cleaning plataform was bulit over the sea to clean all the unexistent mess  
  
that left the sinking of the tanker.   
  
The press was responsible for making the public believe that Elvis Presley was the terrorist that  
  
sank the tanker and killed the marines.  
  
But a bunch of terrorist entered the facilty, disguised as tourists from a retirement house, and  
  
began to take over the Big Shell (Yeah, the platform, numbnuts.)  
  
So, the non-existent organization FoxHound was called to stop the terrorists, who apparently  
  
managed to introduce a nuclear weapon into Big Shell, perhaps inside a handbag, or in a baseball  
  
cap. The security guards didn´t suspect anything, because they were numbminded pieces of shit, or  
  
perhaps they thought that a man wearing a suit with tentacles, a fatso, a vampire-like bisexual and  
  
a woman carrying a giant electromagnetic gun weren´t suspicious enough... Well...  
  
Colonel: Snake.. do you remember the sinking of that tanker two years ago?  
  
"Snake": Not really, I was watching PlayBoy channel that night.  
  
Colonel: Well, Solid Snake sank a tanker full of crude oil two years ago, the disaster almost  
  
destroys the entire Manhatan bay.  
  
"Snake": So they built a giant platform to clean the mess? And they couldn´t do the job in two  
  
years?  
  
Colonel: Eh... (Begins sweating) Ok. A grup of terrorist took over Big Shell, and they got a  
  
VIP from the government as a hostage.  
  
"Snake": No! They´ve got Hilary Clinton?!  
  
Colonel: No, not that VIP... They got president Johnson.  
  
"Snake": (Sigh) Oh...   
  
Colonel: You will have two mission objectives, first rescue the DARPA chief, Donald Anderson.  
  
"Snake": WHAT?! I THOUGHT HE DIED IN THE FAMOUS MISSION OF SHADOW MOSES!!  
  
Colonel: Oh, excuse me, I was infected by a virus. -Running Norton-  
  
"Snake": Wha...?   
  
Colonel: Never mind, the second mission is to stop the terrorist from launching eggs to New York.  
  
"Snake": Those bastards...  
  
Colonel: Now, get into the mission.  
  
"Snake" gets to Big Shell swimming, and manages to evade a couple of soldiers, no more smart that  
  
the Genome ones that Snake defeated years ago.  
  
"Snake:" Piece of cake.  
  
Then, Snake sees another man going up in the elevator. He was using a tight sneaking suit.   
  
"Snake": Eww... nasty... (Calls Colonel)  
  
Colonel: Waaazzzzzaaaaappp?!  
  
"Snake:" Waasssaaaaabbbbeeeee?! Colonel, I saw another intruder.  
  
Colonel: That´s absolutely not possible, in any way, shape or form.  
  
"Snake": I think he was Snake... The real one..  
  
Colone: By the way, we are changing your name to "Raiden"  
  
Raiden: Why is that?  
  
Colonel: Because it sounds more gay than "Snake".  
  
Raiden: Oh, ok. (Realizes) HEY!!  
  
Colonel: First, get into a node.  
  
Raiden: Did you say "Nerd"?  
  
Colonel: No.  
  
Raiden: Did you say "Nurse"?  
  
Colonel: No!!  
  
Raiden: Did you say "Nose"?  
  
Colonel: LISTEN TO ME, PIECE OF MANIPULATED CRAP!! I SAID NODE!!NOOOODDDEEEE!!  
  
Raiden: Sure.. And.. what is a node..?   
  
Colonel: It´s a small computer where you can access the map of the structure.  
  
Raiden: That may come in handy... By the way, where is Mei-Ling?  
  
Colonel: Sorry, it´s just you and me.  
  
Raiden: Oh crap...   
  
Raiden locates the node and touches it, then he receives a strong electric shock that sends him  
  
to the floor.  
  
Raiden: (With spikey hair) Wow... I think I saw my entire life passing in front of my eyes..  
  
Colonel: How comes? You don´t even have a life..  
  
Raiden: No, really, I saw myself singing.. then going to plastic surgery, then singing again and  
  
going to plastic surgery over and over again.  
  
Colonel: You idiot, that´s Michael Jackson´s life, you saw it on "E!"  
  
Raiden: Oh, yeah..  
  
Raiden gets into the elevator and gets yet another Codec call from the electronic Colonel.  
  
Colonel: The terrorist group in Big Shell call themselves "Sons of our Mother". The terrorist  
  
leader is Elvis Presley.  
  
Raiden: Kickass!! ....... Hey, I thought he was dead..  
  
Colonel: That´s what the press wants you to think. He´s alive and kicking.  
  
Raiden: Ok, I´ll start the mission.  
  
Raiden gets trough Strut A without much trouble and gets to Strut B. When he opens the door, he  
  
almost falls to his back, there were a lot of bloodstains all over the place. Just then Raiden  
  
heard screaming, shooting and other ugly stuff, so he went to invesigate.  
  
A weird guy using "The Matrix" movements was attacking a bunch of Navy Seals, who apparently   
  
learned to shoot by mail or something.   
  
The enemy guy killed almost everyone in the room, except for Raiden, of course. Then he held  
  
a Seal against the wall, he inserted a straw in the Soldier´s neck and began sucking  
  
his blood like a maniac.  
  
Raiden: Eww...  
  
Soldier: HEY, FREAK! IM INFECTED WITH AIDS!!  
  
Vamp: (Releases soldier and spits his blood) WHAT!?  
  
Soldier: (Gets away) HEHEHE!! IDIOT!!  
  
Vamp: How comes they always fool me like that...? Oh well... (Locates Raiden)  
  
Raiden: Oh oh...  
  
Vamp: (Takes out knife) 5 today...  
  
Raiden: They were 4, dumbass.. One of them got away...  
  
Vamp: Oh yeah.. (Begans scratching his chest) OUCH! OUCH!! OUCH!! OUUUCCCH!!! There, four.  
  
Raiden: That´s sick, do you know that you could die if you scratch yourself with a dirty knife.  
  
Vamp: (Ignores him and does a Matrix-like jump, but he falls on his face) OWWW!!!!  
  
Raiden: HAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Vamp: Why you little...   
  
Just when Vamp was going to attack Raiden, another Seal appeared from the door behind.  
  
Seal: GET DOWN!!!  
  
Vamp: (Gets down)  
  
Seal: No! Not you! I meant the girly man behind you!  
  
Vamp: Oh. (Gets up again and gets shot by the Seal)   
  
Raiden: (Staring off into space) Eh... what happened?  
  
Vamp: (Gets a codec call) Yeah, queen.. I´ll see ya at Shell 2 core, where the president is held.  
  
Raiden: Duh.  
  
Vamp: We´ll meet again, assholes! (Runs away screaming in pain)  
  
The Navy Seal sits in the stairs.  
  
Raiden: Who are you?  
  
Seal: Liutenant Junior Grade, Iroquois Pliskin.  
  
Raiden: Man, couldn´t your parents think in a more stupid name?  
  
Seal: Shut up. And who are you?  
  
Raiden: Im from FoxHound, a non-existent organization, but apparently I don´t know anything  
  
about it.  
  
Pliskin: Man, do you know Colonel Campbell?  
  
Raiden: I know a Colonel, but Im so stupid that I don´t even know his name, and I don´t really care.  
  
Pliskin: That bloodsucking freak was Vamp, a member of the terrorist group "Dead corpse"  
  
Raiden: Dead Corpse? What a stupid name.  
  
Pliskin: I´ve seen things more stupid before, believe me.  
  
Raiden: And who are these Dead Corpse?  
  
Pliskin: A group funded by ex-president George Sears, who has a mysterious resemblance to me.  
  
Raiden: Yeah, now that you mention it.  
  
Pliskin: Anyway, Dead Corpse began to act like a bunch of lunatics, so they were hunted down, or  
  
al least that was what they thought.  
  
Raiden: And now they are taking revenge againts New York by launching eggs?  
  
Pliskin: Looks like it. (Gets a call on his radio. A lot of screaming and curses)  
  
Raiden: Those are your friends! Why don´t you do something?!  
  
Pliskin: Because I don´t even know them... Oopss..  
  
Raiden: What!?  
  
Pliskin: Eh.. I just joined the Seals.. That´s why I don´t know anyone.  
  
Raiden: But you said you were liutenant!   
  
Pliskin: Eh.. (Takes out cigarretes and offers them to Raiden)  
  
Raiden: I don´t smoke.  
  
Pliskin: Yeah, you look like those girly men that say that "Smoking can cause cancer", morons..  
  
(Begins caughing)  
  
Raiden: .......  
  
Pliskin: (Takes out Nerf gun and gives it to Raiden) There.  
  
Raiden: Thanx, are you gonna be ok?  
  
Pliskin: Sure, now get to strut C and leave me alone, will ya?  
  
Raiden: See ya. (Walks away)  
  
Raiden calls the Colonel to tell him about the news.  
  
Raiden: Colonel, I found a survivor, Illinois Risking.   
  
Colonel: Don´t trust that man.  
  
Raiden: Why?  
  
Colonel: Because his name is weird, and because he was never part of the simulation.  
  
Raiden: Simulationwha...?  
  
Colonel: Now get to Strut C, and if you find someone that claims being Solid Snake, don´t trust him,  
  
he must be a maniac.  
  
Raiden: Got it. (Cuts transmition)  
  
Raiden gets to BC connecting bridge, and sees a lot of Seals shooting at a black woman.  
  
Strangely, no bullet could hit her.  
  
Raiden: Wow..  
  
Seal: (Whispers) Shit.. Now I know why she´s still alive, we have no bullets left..!  
  
Seal 2: (Whispers) We are a bunch of dumbasses.. We forgot to recharge the weapons!  
  
The woman takes out a huge electromagnetic gun and shoots lightning to the defenseless Seal, who  
  
get blown away to the sea.  
  
Raiden: Kickass...  
  
Then, Vamp appears behind the woman and they leave.  
  
Raiden gets to strut C, and when he opens the door to the kitchen he finds a black man using a  
  
cane. He had "NY Police Department" on the back of his jacket, but still Raiden pointed him  
  
with his Nerf gun. You know, perhaps he was one of those terrorist, wearing a Police´s jacket to get  
  
into Big Shell unnoticed.  
  
Raiden: Don´t move!  
  
Man: (Tries to take a wrench from a table, but Raiden shoots him) OUCH!!  
  
Raiden: I saw what you were trying to do, @$$shole.  
  
Pliskin: (Appears) Don´t go around shooting people with the Nerf gun, you could hurt somebody.  
  
Man: Iam Peter Stillman, the best bomb disposer in the world. So good that I lost a leg in an   
  
explosion I couln´t prevent.  
  
Raiden: Duh.  
  
Peter: Listen, Fatguy, my apprentice, is working for the terrorists. He planted Stinky Bombs all   
  
over the Big Shell and is trying to make everyone here sick. If he blows up all the Stinky Bombs,  
  
nobody could survive the pest.  
  
Pliskin: But he would die too.  
  
Peter: I´ve prepared two Bomb Detectors, now take them and get rid of those bombs.   
  
Raiden: And what are you gonna do?  
  
Peter: Me? I´ll hide here in the closet, so I can dispose of bombs easily.  
  
Raiden: But that doesn´t make any sense...  
  
Pliskin: He´s the expert, don´t discuss his ideas.  
  
Raiden: But.... Oh what the hell...   
  
Pliskin: I´ll dispose of the bombs in Shell 2, I´ll leave you the ones in Shell 1.  
  
Raiden: Gotcha. (Walks away)  
  
Raiden and Pliskin found most of the stinky bombs and got rid of them. Raiden then goes to  
  
Strut E, where the heliport was located, and he saw a latin woman talinkg on a radio.  
  
Olga: Si.. hay un tipo vestido de ninja y lo ví con mis propios ojos. (Traduction: "Yeah, there´s  
  
a guy dressed like a ninja, I saw him with my own eyes")  
  
??: Are you sure he wasn´t an ARSE-nal Tengu?  
  
Olga: Claro que no. Crees que soy idiota? Jamás había visto un traje tan ridiculo. ("Of course not,  
  
Do you think Im an idiot? I´ve never seen a suit that ridiculous")  
  
??: Keep informing, Olga.  
  
Raiden: FREEZE!! (Points Nerf gun to the woman... But she´s not there anymore) Oh crap...  
  
Raiden locates the Stinky Bomb and gets rid of it. Then a fatso using a skateboard appears with  
  
a glass of beer.  
  
Fatguy: Ah.. 1492... A very good year.. Do you know America was discovered that year?  
  
Raiden: Why sould I know that? And who are you?   
  
Fatguy: Don´t you notice? Im Fatguy! The man who was the apprentice of Peter Stillman!  
  
Raiden: Wait until he finds you! He´ll be disapointed of you!  
  
Fatguy: Im sorry, but he died ten minutes ago. He tripped and fell over the edge of Big Shell.  
  
Raiden: What a moron... I knew that leg of his would cause him the death sometime..  
  
Fatguy: Nah! Let´s fight! Laugh and grow fat!  
  
Raiden: Looks like you already did it...  
  
Fatguy: AAAARRRGGHH!!!  
  
Fatguy begins skating, but then he tries to do a Benihana, he falls and breaks his neck.  
  
Raiden: And without a single scratch..  
  
Raiden tries to walk away, but a ninja appears and blocks the way.  
  
Ninja: Im like you, Im a woman.  
  
Raiden: But Im a man!!  
  
Ninja: Oh! Ahem.. I have no name..  
  
Raiden: Mine´s Hole, Jack Hole.  
  
Ninja: Hahaha! Too good to be true!  
  
Raiden: Come on..  
  
Ninja: (Tries to calm herself.. eh.. himself...) Im a messenger from the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo..  
  
Raiden: Now who´s being ridiculous? Can you spell that?  
  
Ninja: L-A-L-E-L....... GIMME A BREAK!! I came here to give you this enemy uniform and a cheap  
  
Cell phone, that can only RECEIVE calls.  
  
Raiden: What a stupid piece of crap...  
  
Ninja: You gotta find a man named Ames, he knows where president Johnson is.  
  
Raiden: How can I identify him?  
  
Ninja: He´s the only diferent polygonal-man in the whole room. The rest look all the same.  
  
Raiden: Got it.  
  
Raiden get´s to the bridge that connects Shell 1 and 2, and he finds some paper bags. Then he  
  
uses them to store the stinky bombs so they couldn´t be smell by anyone.  
  
Then a man wearing a suit with tentacles appeared.  
  
Raiden: You´re the guy from SpiderMan!! Dr. Octopus!! What the hell?!  
  
Solidus: In fact, Im Solid Snake, the terrorist leader. I got this cool suit at E-Bay, just for  
  
$40.  
  
Raiden: I sould be getting one of those for Christmas...  
  
Pliskin: (Appears on a helicopter) No!! That´s not Solid Snake!! (Shoots at Solidus)  
  
Solidus: (Evades) Brother! Im from a different game that Gas! We´re not even on the same console!  
  
Raiden: (Realizes) Could Pliskin be Solid Snake...?  
  
Solidus: (Trips and falls to the sea, but a Jet Harrier gets him out. With the impact, his left  
  
eye jumps out.) THEY´VE GOT MY LEFT EYE!! ..... Whew.. I still can see....  
  
Snake: (Throws a Men in Black weapon replica) Take this and get rid of the Harrier!  
  
Raiden: (Takes the weapon and blasts the Harrier)  
  
Solidus: WHOA!!   
  
Vamp, who was piloting the Harrier, manages to get out and swims to Big Shell using a kid´s lifesaver.  
  
Raiden: (Calls Snake) Pliskin tell me. Are you the legend? Solid Snake?  
  
Snake: You bet. And I brought Otacon with me. Waaazzzaaapppp?  
  
Raiden: Waaassssaaabbbbbeee?!  
  
Snake: Anyway, get to Shell 2 and continue your mission. You are slowing us down.  
  
Raiden: Ok. (Cuts transmition)  
  
Raiden gets into Shell 2 core and uses the enemy uniform. Then he gets to a biometrics machine   
  
(Those that examine your retinal patern). Raiden sees a guard using the machine and the door opens,  
  
and just before it was going to close he gets his foot into the room, forcing the door to open  
  
again (Just like in the elevators).  
  
Raiden locates Ames, because he was the only diferent male in the whole bunch of hostages.  
  
Ames: President Johnson is in Shell 1 core.  
  
Raiden: Shit. I have to go all the way back.  
  
Ames: Hurry up! The president knows the coordenates to egg-bomb the Empire State!  
  
Raiden: That´s insane! All those innocent lifes!  
  
Ocelot: (Gets into the room) So you are Ames. (Takes out gun and scares Ames so much that he dies.)  
  
Raiden: That was totally stupid..  
  
Ocelot: Yeah, he had a pacemaker, so anything scary could kill him.  
  
Raiden: Duh...  
  
Ocelot: Now I will kill you. (Ninja appears and tries to cut Ocelot´s ass) Whoa!  
  
Ninja: Hurry! Get away!  
  
Ocelot: (Tries to gets away)  
  
Ninja: Not you, Im talking to Mr. Girly here.  
  
Ocelot: Oh.  
  
Raiden: (Gets away)  
  
Raiden gets to Shell 1 core and sees the latin woman again, talking on her radio... again..  
  
??: He´s here.  
  
Olga: Quien? El de las pizzas? Por fin! ("Who? The pizza guy? At least!")  
  
??: No, you idiot. I mean Solid Snake.  
  
Olga: El desgraciado que hundió el barco y me salvó por ninguna razón aparente? ("The f*cker that  
  
sank the tanker and saved my life for no reason?")  
  
??: Yeah.. Now turn on the electric floor, but be sure to leave the ventilation shaft open, so the  
  
president can breath.  
  
Olga: Pero un intruso podría entrar por ahí. ("But an intruder could get in there")  
  
??: That´s a 99/1 probability. Now do it!  
  
Olga turns on the electric floor and goes away. Raiden takes out a remote-controlled car and gets  
  
it into the vent shaft. Then he drives it to destroy the power generator.  
  
Raiden gets into the room where the president is being held.  
  
James Johnson: Finally you came. This isn´t just a cleaning platform, you see.  
  
Raiden: I didn´t ask about that.  
  
James: It is a giant cover for the ultimate Metal Gear... "ARSE-nal Gear".  
  
Raiden: What kinda sick name is that?  
  
James: The country is secretly ruled by twelve men, "The Mysterious Group of Twelve Men that Secretly  
  
Rule the Country". That´s how their organization is called.  
  
Raiden: Pretty big name they´ve got.. Anyway shorter to call them?  
  
James: Yeah, "The Patty Rots"  
  
Raiden: "Patty Rots"?! What the heck?!  
  
James: I wanted to be one of them so I could rule too. But they rejected me because I had a small...  
  
Well.. "you know what.."  
  
Raiden: How did they know that!?  
  
James: They know everything... They decide your name, your hair color, your personality, and most  
  
important, your sexual preferences.  
  
Raiden: Oh my God!  
  
James: Anyway, ARSE-nal Gear is a weapon that can launch eggs almost everywhere, you must stop it!  
  
Raiden: Sure.  
  
James: (Gives disk to Raiden) Take this to a girl called Emma Emmerich, she´ll know how to use  
  
it.  
  
Then, Ocelot enters the room and shoots James with his revolver.  
  
Ocelot: Oops.. My finger slipped..  
  
Raiden: Yeah sure...  
  
Ocelot: No, really, it slipped.. I didn´t want to kill him.. Just scare him.  
  
Raiden: Oh.  
  
Ocelot: I could kill you here and now. But you see we are using you, so I would be a complete  
  
idiot if I... (Raiden has already left) Oh crap...  
  
Raiden gets into an elevator and gets into B1 of Shell 1 core.  
  
Then he sees Vamp, swimming in the water using a Barney´s lifesaver.  
  
Raiden: You again?  
  
Vamp: (Gets out the water) If you fall into this pool, you´ll never get back.  
  
Raiden: Why?  
  
Vamp: Because I contains so much chlorine that your skin will melt if you touch it.  
  
Raiden: What about you?! You were swimming there!  
  
Vamp: (Looks at his hands, and notices that he´s melting) Shit.. (Gets away)  
  
Raiden gets to the locker where the girl is. He opens it and the girl begins pissing her shorts.  
  
Raiden: Oh no, I won´t carry you on my back...  
  
Emma: You know my sexy step-brother, Hal?  
  
Raiden: Not really.  
  
Emma: Take me with you! I´ll enjoy hearing your heartbeats!  
  
Raiden: Whoa!  
  
Raiden and Emma manage to get to strut L, and then they have to cross the fragile oil fence.  
  
Raiden: I´ll go first. You follow me after I reach the other side.  
  
Emma: I think I sould go first.  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah. Be egocentric, it´s all about you!  
  
Emma manages to reach the other side because Snake appeared and began shooting the enemies, while  
  
Raiden was staring off into space (It can actually happen in Easy mode).  
  
Suddenly, a melted Vamp appeared and held Emma as a hostage, but the girl kicked him in the nuts,  
  
causing him to fall to the sea and die.  
  
Snake: Raiden! Emma´s in danger!  
  
Raiden: WHY!? Vamp died and did nothing to her!  
  
Snake: It looks that Vamp scared her so much that she crapped her shorts, and now she´s dying of  
  
embarrassment!!  
  
Raiden: Poor little girl! Take her to Shell 1 core, quickly!  
  
Raiden gets to the computer room in Shell 1 core, where Emma is lying on the floor and Otacon is  
  
trying to keep her alive.  
  
Otacon: Come on, Emma! It´s not that bad! Accidents are normal!  
  
Emma: Not when you are 17 years old... Hal! I love you! (Dies of embarrassment)  
  
Raiden: Did she manage to insert the disk?  
  
Snake: Yes, it was some kind of virus that destroys ARSE-nal´s defense capabilities.  
  
Raiden: Wait a minute, you knew about ARSE-nal?! Why didn´t you tell me before?  
  
Snake: You didn´t ask.  
  
Raiden: And how was I suppossed to ask if nobody... (Computer fails)  
  
Snake: Oh no! The computer froze! (Message "System has performed an invalid operation" appears)  
  
Otacon: That happens for using Windows XP!!  
  
Raiden: Will the virus still work?  
  
Otacon: Perhaps, who knows? I´ll go with you.  
  
Snake: No, I remember all the slow downs you caused on Shadow Moses. Go rescue the hostages.  
  
Otacon: Remember that you owe me 30 bucks for killing Sniper Wolf.  
  
Snake: Yeah yeah...  
  
Snake and Raiden walk out of the computer room and the ninja appears again.  
  
Ninja: Taa----ddaaaa!!!  
  
Raiden: You! Snake, you´re changing sides now!?  
  
Snake: No, Im still heterosexual.  
  
Raiden: I meant "treason" @$$shole.  
  
Snake: Oh yeah. Never trust legends, you know what happened with Mike Tyson.  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah.. (Gets hit by the Ninja´s sword and falls unconscious)  
  
Raiden wakes up hours ago, naked, tied to some Torturing Machine. The "Love Daddy Solidus" tattoo  
  
could be seen in his chest.  
  
Raiden: (Looks down) I´ve never seen it so small... Must be the cold ambient...  
  
Solidus: (Appears with Ocelot) Waasssaaapppp, Jack the CD-Ripper?  
  
Raiden: WHAT?!  
  
Solidus: Yeah, I trained you in the civil war, remember? People needed music to forget those  
  
bloody confrontations, so I trained a group of girls to rip CD music and sell it in low-cost.  
  
Raiden: But Im a guy!  
  
Solidus: (Looks at Raiden´s... "friend") Yeah, looks like it.. But you could pass like a woman.  
  
Ocelot: Hehehe..  
  
Raiden: Shut up, bastard...  
  
Solidus: (Begins choking Raiden with his tentacles)   
  
Ocelot: This looks like a XXX movie. (Whispers) I could tape this and sell it on the black market..  
  
Solidus: (Releases Raiden) You are right.. Im outta here, leaving Jackie alone so somebody can  
  
rescue him. (Ocelot and him go away)  
  
Suddenly, Olga appears and stares at Raiden´s....  
  
Olga: Oh, please..  
  
Raiden: Yeah, laugh all you want.  
  
Olga: Listen, I´ll free you, hang on. (Punches Raiden in the nuts)  
  
Raiden: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHH!!!!! (Blurry vision)  
  
Raiden gets free and begins wandering around ARSE-nal Gear, and gets called by the Colonel a lot  
  
of times. This time the Colonel could´ve win the prize to the "most stupid stuff ever said".  
  
Colonel: Raiden, your role is to stop ARSE-nal!  
  
Raiden: Role?! Why do you say that?  
  
Colonel: Why not? This is an RPG, remember? "Final Fantasy Solid 2"  
  
Raiden: Duh, that game doesn´t even exist.  
  
Colonel: Shit..  
  
(Another call)  
  
Colonel: I need scissors! 61!  
  
Raiden: What? Have you gone crazy?  
  
Colonel: No, really, I want to trim an Elizabeth Taylor´s image from page 61 of a magazine.  
  
Raiden: Search your desk, idiot.  
  
Colonel: Oh yeah, sorry..  
  
(Yet another call)  
  
Colonel: There´s something I have to tell you about Rose.  
  
Raiden: This is the first time she´s mentioned in the whole Fanfiction.  
  
Colonel: I saw her leaving a man´s room last saturday, Im sorry.  
  
Raiden: WHAT!? WHO WAS THAT MAN?!  
  
Colonel: ME!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Cuts transmition)  
  
Raiden: .........  
  
Suddenly, Snake appears behind Raiden.  
  
Snake: It´s amazing how can you run around like that.  
  
Raiden: Snake! (Turns around)  
  
Snake: Eeewww... Turn back again!! Oh, my poor eyes... (Gives Raiden back his equipment)  
  
Raiden: Thanks. (Gets a baseball bat from Snake)  
  
Snake: It´s a gift from Olga. Im not a big baseball fan.  
  
Raiden: Got it. Before we continue let me call Otacon. (Calls Otacon)  
  
Otacon: Waaassssaaaaapppp?!  
  
Raiden: Waasssssaaaabbbeee?! Otacon, I want you to investigate the Colonel, he´s acting more stupid  
  
than usual.  
  
Otacon: Im on it! (Cuts transmition)  
  
Snake and Raiden get trough a corridor full of well-armed Ninjas, but Raiden managed to put them  
  
out of commision using his Baseball bat.  
  
Otacon calls Raiden con Codec.  
  
Otacon: Raiden, I discovered the reason of the stupidity of the Colonel.  
  
Raiden: What is it?  
  
Otacon: Looks like he was smoking a weird-looking cigarrete he found in your desk.  
  
Raiden: Shit, there goes my magical herb....  
  
Then the black woman who has the giant gun appeared again.  
  
Fortune: Im Fortune, this is the first time we meet because I was busy trying to kill myself.  
  
Raiden: Cool.   
  
Snake: Leave her to me, you go up and stop Solidus!  
  
Raiden: Needless to say! (Goes away)  
  
Raiden climbs a lader and hears Solidus voice coming from everywhere, so he turns around and  
  
finds Solidus talking on a microphone.  
  
Solidus: You´ve been reduced to a Patty Rots puppet, so now I´ll give you a worthy opponent.  
  
Raiden: Bring it on.  
  
Solidus activates 25 Metal Gear GAYs, but one of them falls and crashes with another, and this one  
  
does the same and crashes on... Well, you get the idea. Until all the Metal Gears are destroyed.  
  
Raiden: Piece of cake.  
  
Olga: (Appears and saves Raiden from being crushed by a falling Metal Gear)  
  
Raiden: Olga! You´ll be discovered!  
  
Olga: Who cares? At least my child will live, as long as you do.  
  
Raiden: What are you talking about?  
  
Olga: You are my son! You came from the future!  
  
Raiden: WHAT!?  
  
Solidus appears and shoots Olga with a Nerf dart and she dies.  
  
Fortune: (Appears holding Snake as a hostage) I captured Snake, he tripped with his own bandana.  
  
Snake: That was rather embarrasing..  
  
Raiden: (Slaps forehead)  
  
Ocelot: (Appears) Dumbasses! I was using you all for the purposes of the Patty Rots!  
  
Solidus: Oh man, we are a bunch of morons..  
  
Ocelot: This will serve as a simulation for S3!  
  
Raiden: What´s that?  
  
Ocelot: That goes for "Senseless Simulation of Stupidity"!  
  
Snake: What the hell?  
  
Fortune: You bastard!  
  
Ocelot: (Shoots Fortune in the chest, but she still lives) What the?!  
  
Fortune: You forgot my heart is on my left foot.  
  
Ocelot: (Gets into Metal Gear Gay and launches missiles) Try this instead!  
  
Fortune: (Raises hands)  
  
The missiles impact directly on Fortune, leaving her half-dead.  
  
Snake: NO!  
  
Ocelot: (His ass begins to itch) OH GOD!! (Changes to Gas)  
  
Gas: *Fart* Brothers! Im baaaaack!  
  
Snake: Oh great..  
  
Gas: I chosed Ocelot as my host because he knows the location of the Patty Rots!  
  
Snake: And how did you do that if you were already dead?  
  
Gas: *Fart* That´s my secret! See ya! (Uses MG GAY to jump to the sea)  
  
Snake: (Follows him) AAAAAGGHHH!!!  
  
Raiden: Snake!  
  
ARSE-nal crashes in the Federal Hall, Fortune falls, gets ran over by a taxi and dies.  
  
Then Raiden gets a Codec call from the "The Mysterious Group of Twelve Men that Secretly  
  
Rule the Country".  
  
Colonel: Raiden, are you receiving? We´re still here.  
  
Raiden: I knew it. The virus didn´t work.  
  
Colonel: That´s because we are using the newest version of Norton Anti-Virus.  
  
Raiden: You bastards!  
  
Colonel: We´re not bastards, we´re not even humans.  
  
Raiden: Then what are you?  
  
Colonel: We are an AI created by Microsoft that went out of control.  
  
Raiden: I knew those guys would create something dangerous.  
  
Colonel: Anyway, kill Solidus, or get killed by him. We don´t really care. (Cuts transmition)  
  
Solidus: So, let´s fight, Jack the CD-Ripper... We´re compeled to.  
  
Raiden: We´re not. If we fight we´ll be granting the Patty Rots wishes!  
  
Solidus: You are right.. (Takes out katana and does the "Harakiri" -Japanese suicide-)  
  
Raiden: That´s it... The world has been saved.  
  
Raiden gets down from the Federation Hall. The stupid people wasn´t surprised to see a weird  
  
guy get away from the scene, and most of them only passed trough the scene without even looking  
  
at the giant ARSE-nal Gear. Poor idiots..  
  
Snake: (Appears) Hello.  
  
Raiden: I don´t even know who Iam..  
  
Snake: Come on, do you really care?  
  
Raiden: Not really. (Takes out Dogtag)  
  
Snake: What´s that?  
  
Raiden: A Dogtag (Name "Elvis Presley" is written on it)  
  
Snake: Oh, could you give it to me?  
  
Raiden: Sure. (Gives dogtag to Snake) Did Otacon get the disk?  
  
Snake: It contained the names of the 12 men that rule the country.  
  
Raiden: Cool! Count me in!  
  
Snake: No, you have someone to talk to..  
  
Raiden: ...... Who.....?  
  
Snake: Didn´t you have a girlfriend?  
  
Raiden: Oh yeah.. (Turns around and sees Rose)  
  
Rose: Jack, at last I appear in the game!  
  
Raiden: Too late, I´ve finished it already.  
  
Rose: Oh shit, by the way... Im pregnant..  
  
Raiden: Oh no.. (Falls unconscious)  
  
(Black screen)  
  
Otacon: Snake? I´ve analized the disk.  
  
Snake: What did you find?  
  
Otacon: A list of twelve men... and a lot of porn images.  
  
Snake: Amazing..  
  
Otacon: Snake, you won´t believe who´s in the list!  
  
Snake: Who!?  
  
Otacon: The first name on the list is..... Santa Claus..!!!  
  
Snake: What the hell.....?  
  
The end...?  
  
(Finally, I finished the Fic. I hope you liked it, because it took a long time to finish.  
  
Any complains, sugests or any ideas for improving the story, send them to alfa@danworld.com.  
  
THANK YOU!!!) 


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